Sept 15/08
Send the Testosterone Cream to MWR's Toyotas!
Listen to this week's DOIN DONUTS radio show!

Get Out the Bulldozers
DMIC says…The Bahre family worked really hard trying to make New Hampshire Motor Speedway a better track for stockcars. Reality tells us that changes should be made to this track. Starting the first race of the championship with such a ho-hum track is like watering down the field for the first NFL playoff game! (LAM always loves a stick and ball sport comparison so I needed to get her banging the chip early in our article this week) How about tearing this place up and turning it into a smaller track with progressive banking in the corners? If I can find the Speedway Motorsports suggestion box I advise them to check out the building plans for Iowa Speedway and make New Hampshire more like that place! Gentlemen, start your bulldozers and give us a better track please!

LAM says… Of course I love stick and ball analogies; my dog chases balls and retrieves sticks… how much more can a girl ask for. What is there not to like about New Hampshire? Now that safety issues have been dealt with I don't think the racing we saw over the weekend warrants a bulldozer messing it up. I know, let's call Greg Biffle and find out what he thinks! Face it, the drivers who we've come to label as "seat of the pants" drivers didn't seem to have much trouble in the Cup race. I also have to take this opportune moment to commend Ken Squier on his magnificent history lesson on the track and the Bahre family as well. Knowing the passion and hard work that went into this "first paved race track" is to be revered.

Need a New Points Scheme
DMIC says…We have had this same points system since the 1970s and it worked great when we scored the season based on every race. But the Chase for the Championship format demands a new and improved points system and I have the solution. Welcome to DMIC labs where we get down and dirty with the numbers to come up with the perfect plan. The key to my master plan is to limit the damage for a lousy day and reward wins even more. Start the winner off with 125 points with 15 points more than second place. The points drop off all the way down to 5 points for finishing 26th or worse. If a guy wrecks out early the team knows the worse they will do is 26th place points so you won't have as many rolling wrecks in action. Add whatever bonus plans you have and this new and improved plan will reward winners while not punishing bad luck as much.

LAM says… Dialing the Chart House Restaurant; please stand by;
CH: Chart House Restaurant, how can I help you?
LAM: Good morning, may I have the direct line to table 7 in the private lounge?
CH: May I ask who is calling?
LAM: It's the Canadian Maverick, LAM
CH: One moment please…
TABLE 7: yeah?
LAM: It's me….. he's at it again, what should I do?
TABLE 7: AGAIN? What is wrong with that guy… doesn't he know how much work we put into screwing up the points system? I mean, we had the big televised deal, brought in all kinds of dignitaries like Delon Magoo and his band of merry men… hang on a minute… yeah sweetie another one… make it a double… ok sorry… I have a message and you tell it to DMIC; In my high rise office on the BEACH =), I am growing a special organic cactus just for him because I know at this point, a standard succulent won't have any affect on him… Right now it's 3 and a half feet high and has his name on it. So any time he brings up the points again, I will personally fly him down to THE BEACH =) so that he can get a clearer understanding of what… hic… I'm trying to say!
LAM: So what are you trying to say?
TABLE 7: @#*% LAM just tell him "George has a long moustache" and he'll get it.
LAM: Alrighty then…. Have a good "lunch", and remember to drive very very carefully back to the Condo.

Cliché or Not to Cliché
DMIC says…No one is more of a master with the clichés than your very own DMIC but the announcers on ESPN are challenging my championship title! Doc Jerry is a creative guy but lately he is falling into the trap of semi-professional announcers like myself and using his clichés as a crutch. Whatever happened to being an original? While using a cliché or two on a regular basis becomes your signature there is one that needs to go. Late in the race each and every week we hear this one and it is starting to annoy me. THE MONEY STOP! Come on Doc Jerry each and every pit stop in this world of ultra competitive NASCAR is vitally important to the outcome of a team's performance. Can ya please find a new term for the final pit stop before I send Doc Kevorkian for a house call? Thank you goodbye.

LAM says… Being that DMIC is indeed a self proclaimed "cagey veteran" and master of cliché with stellar linguistic skills, one must take heed in his special prescription to be added to the Punch bowl. Yes, I agree that someone spiked it and the man we all admired working on pit row who is now trapped in a booth with a suit and microphone seems to be light years away from that rough and tumble albeit medically renowned master of information relay. It really does seem that a lot of on air personalities become caricatures of themselves over time (ie. The guy who used to drive stock cars and refer to them as "hot rods" and has a son driving in the Nationwide series with his own film crew every weekend).

Enhanced Performance
DMIC says…Did you ever think you would hear of a NASCAR driver taking performance enhancing drugs? Take a look at pit road and it makes you wonder if some of the pit crews are doping with HGH or steroids but a driver? The news that Ron Hornaday had received shipments of testosterone and HGH from a clinic known to provide performance enhancing drugs illegally to athletes of other sports was a shock! Was this all on the up and up and legal? Usually people go through more legitimate treatment options if they are having issues and do not order stuff online, unless there is some reason they couldn't get the drugs legally prescribed. NASCAR was quick to sweep this under the rug saying it occurred several years ago. Is he still taking the drugs? This is more evidence that NASCAR needs a better drug treatment policy since once again they missed someone using drugs that are supposed to be listed on the NASCAR drug policy as being out of bounds. I wonder if NASCAR would have reacted different if this was a driver 30th in points instead of the defending champion?

LAM says… I have a question. Why is ESPN taking it upon themselves to delve into the personal lives of people? I keep reading that "ESPN has learned" or "ESPN reports that"…. Why on earth is this a big deal with Ron Hornaday? I realize that a banned substance is a banned substance but can anyone honestly say that a guy using a prescribed cream for hyperthyroidism has a performance advantage? Why has this become such a large story when the facts clearly show that Hornaday was a very sick man at the time, dropped a lot of weight and actually thought he had cancer?

Sweep away NASCAR, you're making the right call. The day we see Ron Hornaday suffer from "roid rage" and try to punch out his team mate or suddenly look like he should be on the cover of Sports Illustrated, just ain't gonna happen!

Match Made in 35th Place
DMIC says…The news that Chip Ganassi Racing and Michael Waltrip Racing were planning to merge next season made me howl with laughter! I can't think of two more underachieving teams that would make great partners! Just imagine they might be the first team in the history of NASCAR racing with all four teams earning a Lucky Dog in the same race. It will be entertaining to see all four drivers battle to stay in the top 35 in Owner's points all season! Both teams are great at marketing and can con sponsors into believing they have a plan to win races sometime soon. Kyle Busch teaming up with Joe Gibbs Racing was my former best example of a match that was perfect. But Ganassi Racing teaming with MWR is indeed a match made in 35th place!

LAM says… YOU'RE MEAN! I mean seriously. We've all seen how brilliantly quick Waltrip can be - just check out the latest NAPA commercial with Mikey and Ron Capps… just look at the speed and dexterity of Waltrip! And don't forget that he did get a pole last year, albeit on Molly's Backbone Road, but what are a few degrees on the Garmin between friends! And Chip Ganassi… well please don't insult his ability to hand pick great drivers to put in his even greater equipment! Dario Franchitti is a prime example of how great Ganassi's experiment in putting the IRL before the horse. The wet blanket he hangs around with (the true Cuban Missile Crisis with the $200 cigars), is surely a person one can count on in a time of need as well. Just ask Reed Sorenson how lovely his going away party was. Complete with piñatas filled with nerve gas and killer bees. Oh yes, this is a match made in heaven. One team is so slow James Harvey Hylton can spit faster than it, and another that is simply a wolf in "Cheep"'s clothing. They can have each other however I do feel a pang of guilt because even I don't feel that Michael Waltrip Racing deserves to be associated with CGRwFS. However, the Toyotas at MWR might benefit from a little dab of testosterone cream 8-)

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